Well There You Go

I am now a free agent. Well, actually, that’s been true about 10 days now. It was not my choice. It was not my preference. My hand was forced. That’s a blurry way of saying the I was fired by the Personnel Committee.

They say it was because my “gifts for ministry do not match the gifts desired in an associate minister.” You might say I was fired for preaching and giving pastoral care too well for a 2nd chair player. Someone said that I out-shined the senior ministers I’ve worked with.

I was not allowed to say thanks or good-bye and so it appears I have abandoned the church. I would love to make it clear that I did not do the abandoning. There have been many calls and cards this week from supporters who don’t understand what happened, and some who do. This church has done it before. And while I don’t know all the details, I hear I am number 7. A dubious distinction.

I have been around churches my entire life and have seen this kind of thing before. And in this case, when people get particularly anxious and have been in an interim pattern for longer than they wanted to be, they start doing wild things. And when they’d been set on a path by a certain individual’s seed planting, the anxiety waters the seed and it takes root like kudzu, growing rapidly and out of control. Reason goes out the window, forethought is no consideration and people get hurt.

I will be fine. God is taking care of me and has great things in store. But I grieve for those who don’t understand, who think I’ve abandoned them and who want to know the truth but aren’t going to hear it.

Sometimes the people in charge do not hear or recognize the call that is in front of them. Sometimes, we have to cling to our own call and know, with clear and certain sense, that God does indeed have a call on our lives and that when we heed the call, doing what God has prepared for us to do, the path is straight and clear, even if we can’t quite see it for the distractions.

Femystic looks at 40

Psalm 40
Thanksgiving for Deliverance and Prayer for Help
To the leader. Of David. A Psalm.
1I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2He drew me up from the desolate pit,*
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.

4Happy are those who make
the Lord their trust,
who do not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after false gods.
5You have multiplied, O Lord my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts towards us;
none can compare with you.
Were I to proclaim and tell of them,
they would be more than can be counted.

6Sacrifice and offering you do not desire,
but you have given me an open ear.*
Burnt-offering and sin-offering
you have not required.
7Then I said, ‘Here I am;
in the scroll of the book it is written of me.*
8I delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.’

9I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
see, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O Lord.
10I have not hidden your saving help within my heart,
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.

11Do not, O Lord, withhold
your mercy from me;
let your steadfast love and your faithfulness
keep me safe for ever.
12For evils have encompassed me
without number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
until I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails me.

13Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
O Lord, make haste to help me.
14Let all those be put to shame and confusion
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonour
who desire my hurt.
15Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, ‘Aha, Aha!’

16But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, ‘Great is the Lord!’
17As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God.

Yesterday was my fortieth birthday. There I said it! I’m 40. Thunder didn’t roll. Lightning didn’t strike. It did rain though. But I am blessed. I received so many well wishes. My husband gave me flowers, and so did my folks. I got some other thoughtful gifts.
But mostly I got to enjoy the day. Sleeping in. Lunch with my husband. Wandering a couple of stores. Dinner out with my family. The fall colors are still beautiful, even with the rain bringing down so many of the leaves and keeping the crops in the field.

But Psalm 40 says it well. And I am faithful still. Faithful and blessed. What does God hold in store for me? What wonderful future awaits? What love? what joy? What adventure? I will not be troubled. I will not be disturbed. God is faithful. God is good. God has brought me thus far!

Good news from LR

October 9 was Dr. Al-Mefty’s last day at the University of Arkansas School for Medical Sciences. Last Monday I e-mailed his former office nurse, Amy, to find out where he had gone. The good news was that she responded within a couple of hours. The best news was that he has only moved down the street!

His practice is now at the Arkansas Neuroscience Institute at St. Vincent Infirmary (Hospital), just a few blocks north on Markham in Little Rock! What a relief! I’ll still be able to see him and to include my visits to him with my visits to my in-laws! And St. Vincent should still be on my insurance! Thank God!

This is indeed good news!

Communication-Don’t Push Send

The other night I was sitting in a committee meeting and the subject of e-mail communication came up. The leader made a point of saying that e-mail is sometimes not helpful in communication because it lacks the full content of what is being communicated or it can be misconstrued when we start interpreting a tone that may or may not be there.

Well, this is a common theme in the volunteer organizations I deal with, which indicates to me that it is a general problem for the public. When you remove the author’s body language, tone, sense of humor/or lack thereof, something can definitely be missing in the press. So often I find myself saying to others that certain communications or certain people should not use e-mail.

I offer the following rhyme, which I made up on the spot at that meeting.

“When it comes to e-mail, read for content not tone, and if it is urgent, pick up the phone.”

Oh how much mayhem could be avoided! Oh what feelings could be preserved! If only people would communicate more effectively.

While I love Facebook, it is definitely one place where I hope that people read me behind what I post. But I also know enough to be aware that I am being read by people who don’t know me or my sense of humor or the natural history and quirks of my life that play out in what I post online. It’s true for everyone, but it is also why I try to be very careful what I post so that people don’t misread me or interpret me incorrectly.

Thank you to Carrie Newcomer and her great song and website dedicated to e-mail foibles, “Don’t Push Send.”

http://www.dontpushsend.com/

Responding to the Plea

This has been an interesting week. Really. For the first time in my career I feel like people REALLY listened to my sermon; and not just a few kind people, but a lot of people. I am most grateful for their responses. Sure, we all like to hear the praise and appreciative remarks. That’s good encouragement. But this time it was the folks in disagreement I most appreciated hearing from.

What I really hoped I would get would be an opening for discussion. One person wrote me a letter that carried much evidence of love and thoughtfulness. And even though we don’t totally agree on all aspects of the health care issue, I knew from the letter that the author was one person I could sit down with and have a meaningful dialogue with. One letter writer told me why we were in complete disagreement. It seemed very charged, angry, and was very clear that we would not be in agreement over any aspect and my feeling is that conversation would not be productive. They assured me they liked me, but definitely could not accept my viewpoint on the issue and I think perhaps may confuse some of what the GMP said with what I said. The third letter was not written to or even about me, but was a CC about that person’s anger over the activities of the GMP. I did not find that it invited conversation.

One person admitted to having sidestepped greeting me because of their own discomfort with the sermon. Perhaps because I know that individual a bit better than the others I felt more sadness. Sadness because of the distance created by my words. That person is someone with whom I think I could have a good conversation about the issue so long as it was outside of the worship arena.

No matter the reaction to my sermon, it was stirring to have the experience of knowing that the words that come out of my mouth during the sermon, especially when they are so loaded with passion and boldness, do have an effect on people. I don’t want to be a preacher who always delivers a “feel-good” sermon that is full of false witness and doesn’t reach into the deep dark issues that impact our work-a-day lives. (And I don’t think I am a preacher of fluff, or downy soft comfort for everyone.) If anything, church should be the place where God’s people can come to speak the truth about their lives without fear of being cut off or shunned. I pray that God will show me how to make that a reality.

A Witness for Widows and Orphans

Yesterday I preached the most controversial sermon I’ve ever given. Not because I refuted a basic Christian belief, or the divinity of Jesus, or the existence of God, but because I preached on health care reform. And specifically on our responsibility as Christians to care for the “widows and orphans.” My hope was that people would hear the call to be involved in the discussion and to become better informed so that they can advocate the position they believe makes the most sense for the US while still fulfilling the call to care for the widows and orphans. I expected that this kind of a sermon would be likely to provoke some uneasy responses. Still I hoped that people would be willing to listen, think, decide for themselves, and act on their own decision. Knowing that my congregation may be somewhat divided politically, I felt compelled by scripture to take the risk.

After the service most of the people who walked by me and shook my hand gave me a word of thanks and encouragement. And most of those people were elderly (over 65) and who I expect heard me taking up their cause. There were a few who I noticed didn’t come through the line, but there are always some who prefer to slip out the side door. Some didn’t say anything about the sermon at all. And there were two who clearly expressed their opposition to my sermon.

One of the opposing people has copied me on a letter that they have sent to our Regional Minister expressing displeasure with the GMP’s activities of political advocacy and the growing liberal tendencies of the denominational church. The other opposing person hasn’t contributed any further information yet.And one who didn’t say anything yesterday has since given me a letter with their thoughtfully shared position.

I know that I don’t have all of the answers to this debate, and suspect I’ve really just begun to scratch the surface of the issue. My intention in preaching was not to give answers or tell people what version of health care reform to support. Really I want people of faith to take their faith so seriously that they see the responsibility they have in caring for “widows and orphans” as a person who heeds the gospel and as a citizen of this country. I would hope that they would see that while I fully support the separation of church and state, we can not separate our responsibility to live out the gospel from our responsibility to participate in the governmental process that will affect every persons ability to live in the wholeness and health that I see Jesus leading people to.

I have surprised myself in making this kind of a public statement. I debated with myself most of the week whether I should or should not, could or could not, would or would not take this to the pulpit. And in my sermon, I acknowledged that too. Every hot button issue is going to be considered “political” regardless of the politics involved, whether it is the politics between two individuals and the company they keep, the politics of power jockeying within an organization such as a church, or the politics of how our nation is governed. Support or dissent over any issue can be viewed as political. For those reasons I choose to use limited illustrations that involve numbers or statistics and a few fact checked items, rather than personal stories involving individuals and their experiences in health care, or for that matter, my own personal health and concerns over insurance. I sought to share a compelling witness on behalf of the 47 million who, because of a lack of access to health insurance, are in the class of most vulnerable people in our society.

The Mirror Made Me Do It

Last week I preached a sermon on communion and the first 4 marks or principles of identity of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). This week I’ll share with you the next 2 marks.

5) We structure our community around the biblical idea of covenant, emphasizing not obedience to human authority but accountability to one another because of our shared obedience to Christ.

6) We participate in God’s mission for the world, working with partners to heal the brokenness of creation and bring justice and peace to the whole human family.

Our General Assembly, the biennial convention of Disciples, was just a month ago in Indianapolis. I had the pleasure of attending, as did several members of our congregation. The theme was “For the Healing of the Nations.” A fitting theme for a people whose identity statement is “We are Disciples of Christ, a movement for wholeness in a fragmented world. As part of the one Body of Christ, we welcome all to the Lord’s Table as God has welcomed us.”

In recognition of and accordance with that statement, one of the Saturday evening activities of the assembly was a vigil and rally for health care reform. It had been planned by the Disciples Justice Action Network (DJAN) as an outdoor event at the Indiana State Capital lawn, just a few blocks away from the convention center, but rain brought it indoors. Several hundred people gathered to hear speakers from the church and community. Congregations around the country have been asked to do their part to help further reform.

Standing in the tradition of the early church, I would like to share with you a letter from the Rev. Dr. Sharon Watkins, General Minister and President of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ).

Here is the letter.

July 24, 2009

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

You are no doubt aware of the debate on health care reform currently taking place in the United States. I recently attended a conference on health care, organized by and for religious leaders to help us understand the current discussion. We heard from health care policy experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Mark McClellan (who served in the Bush administration) and other political leaders. They assured us that health care reform can happen this year. But we, the faith community, must act to make it happen.

Jesus’ ministry was one of healing, bringing life to the dying, sight to the blind, wellness to the sick, and peace of mind to the troubled. Jesus’ witness was that abundant life includes physical, mental and spiritual wellness. The call upon us is to make this vision a reality for all.

Disciples have been involved in the work of healing at home and abroad for generations. The General Assembly has twice spoken out on the need of health care for all (1999, Cincinnati Resolution, 9995; 2007, Fort Worth, Resolution 0724). Congregations know what it is like to help families when they have fallen through the holes in our health care safety net.

I am writing because I believe this is the moment of a generation – when the United States can finally make decent, affordable health care accessible for all. The moral vision is there. The policy expertise is in place. It’s the political will that needs our support. Our legislators need our encouragement in the hard work of reform. I urge you – whichever of the possible options you might support – to contact your Senators and Representatives and ask them to achieve affordable, accessible, accountable, and inclusive health care this year.

In spite of media reports to the contrary, it appears legislators are close to making health care reform happen. There is growing agreement about what a renewed health care system might include: people who like their coverage would keep it, people who are uninsured or lose their coverage would have an affordable option to purchase it, no one would be excluded because of pre-existing conditions, long-term costs would be reduced by streamlining paperwork and emphasizing patient-focused, preventive and wellness care.

The big challenge is how to pay for it. Congress will figure that out, too. It’s going to take compromise, but they will get there if they keep at it. We need to urge them to keep at it.

I am inviting each one of you to get involved. Contact your Representative and Senators about health care reform by using this toll-free number: 888-797-8717. Visit the Disciples Health website (discipleshealth.org) for links to helpful information.

What we do together now can make a difference for all of us, and especially for those who do not have access to affordable health care, who stand in greatest need of our prayers, our support, and our advocacy.
Thank you for your prayerful consideration and action.

In Christ,
Sharon E. Watkins
General Minister and President

Ten days ago there was a live conference call with President Obama and prominent religious leaders. Dr. Watkins and Rev. Cynthia Hale were two of the many Disciples taking part. The call was organized by a wide collective of non-profits and religious bodies with invitations issued to clergy and other people of faith to participate in the 40 minute call. They expected they might get tens of thousands of people on the call. Boy, were they surprised! 140,000 people logged in to that call as a way of kicking off “40 days for Health Reform.” And this weekend, religious leaders across the country have been urged to bring the cause to congregations, synagogues, temples and faith communities.

You may be surprised to be hearing this message here, or even from me. And believe me, I considered long and hard whether or not I could or would bring this message to this pulpit. And finally, yesterday, I decided I had to. I have to bring you this message because it is one of the most pressing issues of our time and it is a cause that affects each of us more closely than we know. It was like James was hitting me over the head or pleading with me to say something. Worse than an elephant in the room.

Two things got me. First it was when James said “anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” We are all children of God, and as one who is called to preach and to engage others in gospel work, I could not ignore this. Every day when I look in the mirror I am expected to see myself the minister and servant of God.

And then James said, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” That did me in. Orphans and widows were considered the most vulnerable people in society at that time. We can still argue that it is true. Women who had lost their husbands were dependent on their husband’s brothers to take them in. If their husband had no brother, or for some reason could or would not take them in, they were completely destitute. It was highly unlikely they would marry again. And orphans, children with no parents, had no one who could be accountable for them and provide for their needs. Again, only extended family might take on orphaned nieces, nephews or grandchildren. And if there was no extended family, and the orphans next best hope was to become a slave or servant. Jewish law made it clear that charity was to be shown to widows and orphans first.

So listen to this. According to the online documents at the Campaign for Better Health Care, based in Illinois, 1.8 million Illinoisans are without health insurance, and 18 of them die each week due to complications over the lack of health insurance. http://www.cbhconline.org. Of those who are uninsured in our state, about 300,000 are children. And since most elderly people can get Medicare, I’ll tell you that in Illinois over 150,000 thousand of our elderly citizens are poor. So it is reasonable to say that half a million children and elders are vulnerable in the worst way. According to figures from 2007, 36% of Illinois residents are classified as poor or near-poor. That’s more than 4 million people in our state.

Stepping out a little further and speaking in terms of the United States, more than 47 million people are uninsured in this country; and as employers cut benefits and employees, that number is rising. But what is even more staggering to me than the number 47 million, is the number 100,013,021; that number is the total compensation in the year 2007 for the CEOs of the 7 largest health insurers in the United States. That means if you are the CEO of one of the big 7, you would have brought home an average of $14 million that year. (source: http://www.healthreformwatch.com/2009/05/20/health-insurance-ceos-total-compensation-in-2008/)

Can you get your head around that one?! Does that even fit on the 1040-A? The pay scale for a major health insurer CEO is something between $3.6 million and $26 million. And yet, we have 47 million people with no health insurance! There is much debate over what the actual real costs of health care are, and I encourage you to Google it when you get home. CEO compensation, malpractice insurance, prescription costs, all these contribute to the bottom line which is this: things can not continue this way!

When you read your Bible, participate in Sunday School or a small group, and come to worship, you hear the gospel message. We are all God’s children, we are brothers and sisters. We have been taught to love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself. When you give of your first fruits, as God has given to you, you do so because you know the greater harvest is yet to come.

What matters is that you look out for your neighbors, the widows and orphans by speaking up on the issue of health reform. Learn all you can, and listen to all sides of the issue. Don’t just go for the standard party line. Get educated on this issue from reputable sources. Then don’t forget who you saw in the mirror. If you saw someone who listens to the word, then be a doer of the word; your actions on behalf of others are evidence that you take seriously the grace which you have received.

Let us pray, God we hear your words and we believe in your abundant love and grace. But we are timid people, O God. We think we do not have the power to move mountains. Help us to move from inaction to boldness so that all may be made well and whole in you. Amen

Psalm 84- better is one day in your courts

I’d rather be in the sanctuary, the dwelling place of my God where I can consume my love’s richness and become one in body and mind. Love of my love, breath of my breath, soul of my soul.

As a kid the sanctuary was a wild and somewhat scary place at night when the only lights were from the landscaping or streets outside; the tall 2 story clear glass windows allowing the shadows to move about in the open space. One had the feeling that if you had sinned enough God might actually strike you down right then and there; or you might just hear the voice of God like Moses did, and be thrust into God’s service. But as I grew and traveled, and experienced other churches and places of sanctuary, I grew different feelings about the sanctuary.

Most especially at church camp in the wilderness, out on the dock in the dark of night, the canopy of the heavens drawing me closer into communion, I lost my fear of the sanctuary at night and began to recognize that other worldly feeling for the sacred gift it is. I learned to draw the cloak around me and to lose myself in God’s presence, to open my mind and bare my heart and soul to my beginning and ending in God. There alone in the night I made my offering and truly learned what it meant to worship and commune with my Lord. This sacred room is a calling place, a place where things start.

Down on the Farm

Just over the back yard and across a bit of common space is my neighbor’s organic farm. I can see her goats from my windows when the trees are bare, or when I’m sitting on the patio. She has chickens too. My kids love the chickens.

After church yesterday the boys and I did the youth group thing–a quick ice cream outing. They weren’t content to hang out after playing on the elementary school playground so I offered them a movie outing. We’d seen “Up! in 3-D” with Daddy on Friday, but now Daddy was at camp and it was Mommy time. I took the boys in and showed them the previews of the movies I thought they’d enjoy, nothing too scary or old. The choice was “Night at the Museum.”  We were all tired, but the cheapskate in me figured I’d save at least a few bucks by going to a matinee. I saved $2! A lousy $2.

We were all tired, but we enjoyed the movie any way; even with 5 bathroom trips. But hey, no one wet their pants! After a trip through the fancy grocery store, we went back home. J feel asleep in the car, really asleep. So I put him on the couch when we got home. R wanted a snack, so he munched on goldfish crackers while I cooked up some chicken nuggets. He decided to go outside. Farmer T was out, so Robbie asked if he could go over. I told him he’d need to ask her if it was ok. Soon he came back to report that he could come over at 8:15 pm.

We waited. I ate dinner. J slept. R waited outside. At 8:15 R came in to check the time. J was still sound asleep, so R & I went to the farm. We talked to the dogs, checked out the goats, but tonight was all about the chickens. R learned how to pick one up, which delighted him. Thankfully the chickens are very docile and didn’t seem overly bothered by being picked up. Farmer T and I chatted while R talked to the birds. It was getting close to bedtime for the animals, so Farmer T suggested R might like to collect the eggs for the day. She got the bucket and told R what to do. He counted as he went– 24 eggs! Some of them he even had to reach under the hens to retrieve.

Farmer T was putting the goats to bed, so R & I took the eggs up to the garage where the egg cooler is. Farmer M offered us a dozen in appreciation of the work. R beamed. He wanted to take one of the still warm eggs home and hatch it. He didn’t quite understand why I told him the egg probably wouldn’t hatch and would be more likely to smash under his weight. He was so excited when he got home that he just had to wake up his brother. I washed the eggs and put them in the fridge while the boys ate their chicken nuggets.

R asked if we could have chicks at our house. I told him I didn’t think so. Where would we put them? Besides, we couldn’t get approval from the city to have our own coop. Too bad. Sometimes it seems the city regulates the wrong things. We can’t have a coop, but the landlords of the rental properties in town don’t have to keep up their properties to any standard. Something wrong with that.

As I finished cleaning up the kitchen, I reflected on the blessing of knowing the farmer and even the chicken who supplies our eggs. Now that’s not something I could have ever said before.

It takes some getting used to

Last Sunday I returned to my previous congregation to join in the celebration of the dedication of the new sanctuary. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming, but I was so pleased to receive the invitation. For some reason I have been dropped off the newsletter mailing list again. Likely it’s because the secretary doesn’t think I need to receive it. But I did get an invitation to the dedication.

I called my friend, the choirmaster, as I was leaving home to let him know I’d be there. It takes 3 hours exactly to get there from here, so I had to leave right after church to get there when the building would be open for viewing. The service would start 90 minutes later. I drove across a state road rather than coming interstate highway all the way. It’s probably good that I went a way I didn’t usually travel; there were fewer emotions hitchhiking that road.

I pulled into the parking lot right at 4:30. I almost parked in my usual spot, but opted to go left instead of right in recognition of my status as visitor, and no longer settled community member. It wasn’t that I didn’t park in a reserved space; I just didn’t park where I used to. As I was getting out, I saw familiar faces arriving too. As I walked alone up the path to the new doors, I could see Dick C in the upstairs window taking pictures. He was snapping shots of me so I smiled and waved.

It was hard to get more than two steps inside the door before people started recognizing me and stopping me for hugs and how are yous. I felt right at home, almost like I had just returned from vacation or arrived at a family reunion. I could hardly get a look at the building because every time someone would start to show me in one direction someone else would stop me. I nearly gave up trying to see the place so I could give my full attention to the people who seemed so eager to see me and to know that I was well. Just thinking about it now makes me cry. Here were the people who had so lovingly stood by me as I prepared for surgery and yet didn’t get the chance to see me through my recovery. Their vision of me must have provided some sense of relief and clarity, knowledge that I had really been OK after all I had been through. I wonder what misspent care and concern had been floating around; and would it now be resolved?
I finally made it upstairs and got glimpse of the bridal room. While in there I caught up with Ceri W, one of those people I dearly loved and had a connection with. Her buddy, the other C, had moved back to Germany; no doubt a joy for Carolina, but it left a hole for Ceri who lost both of us in a years time. She held back tears as we talked about her decision to step back from teaching Sunday School.
Finally it was getting time to assemble. Still seeing people I hadn’t seen, I eventually made it to my car to retrieve my robe. I didn’t know where I was supposed t go, so I just went where I had always gone, back to the offices. I put on my robe and went outside to join the gathering throng of clergy.

I cried through the whole service. I had some tissue in my pocket so I kept wiping my eyes. It seemed like every time put away my tissue I’d realise that I had tears streaming down my face again and I’d take the tissue back out. The service was beautiful, and the sanctuary so full of light. I would like to go back and spend some time taking it in.
By the time I made it back to the Parish Hall, most everyone was gone and the food had all been cleared away. I was starving. I hadn’t had a proper lunch and the dinner hour was long past. It was almost 9:30 before Travis and I left for dinner at Max & Erma’s.

We sat and ate, just like old times. It was 10:30 nearly when we got out. I called Bruce and asked if he minded me staying over night. Travis had a guest room and I could get some sleep before having to drive back. Bruce said it’d be all right, so I stopped at Meijer and bought some pajamas to wear. And staying over would give m a chance to drive around the neighborhood. After breakfast at Paradise Cafe I drove through town and saw what had a changed. I drove past my house. It looks good. The new owners have replaced the windows; even put in one of those pop out bay windows, kind of like I wanted to do. They were home but I resisted the urge to go up and say hi.

I went to Whole Foods and saw another favorite church member. I went to Target and thought about how I had shopped there and how I could almost just feel myself back there as if nothing had changed. I got in the car and drove back into Carmel, up the roads I used to travel and past the sights I used to see. I went to the car wash and used one of the coupons from the book I still have. And I cried a little, in the car wash, thinking about how many times I’d been through there with my children and wouldn’t they like to be with me there now. I drove past their school and lamented that John wasn’t there now. I headed north some more, through the center of Old Town. Saw the construction of the new arts center and hotel. I stopped at the yarn shop and discovered it was closed. I wonder if it just moved? But there was no sign saying so; just an empty building. Likely a victim of the construction traffic reroutes. I kept heading north and figured I’d better keep moving or I’d never get back to the place I now live. But I feel so much connection to that old place. My heart was aching to come home to the place I resisted. It took me 7 years to decide I loved where I lived and even then it was because we had started looking else where. But it was that looking that made me realise how much I really did love Carmel. It had so much to offer that I couldn’t easily find anywhere else.
I made one more stop on my way out. I stopped at Chick-fil-A. We don’t have those in the place where I now live. So I got some lemonade and some chicken strips. The chicken was so hot, even after I let it sit for 20 minutes.

The drive back was easier in some respects. People were moving along more, even the construction zones, now active, moved along.

We’ll be back in 6 weeks. Will it be harder then to leave? I’ll be at the convention center, but I plan to get out in to the surrounding area. It’s all part of the place where I used to live. It’s all part of me.