Last night I met with a group of women who I would consider solid members of the church. They, however, would tell you they come to our church but aren’t exactly sure where or how they fit in. These are women who have served on committees and even have headed them up, yet they are still unsure of their relationship to the church. On first glance I might ask how this can be when they are so obviously part of the fabric of the life of this congregation? But. But then I remember how I sometimes felt in my home church growing up, and especially after I went off to college. I always felt awkward, and very much like I was hanging out in a place I wasn’t quite supposed to be. Like I didn’t belong. Maybe I wasn’t cool enough to be there. Maybe I wasn’t good enough to be there. Maybe I just didn’t fit. Even still, this was the church where I first felt a call to ministry. I was heavily involved (youth group, choir, Sunday School, the whole bit) but I still didn’t feel like I belonged. Looking back I might just chalk it up to the angst of youth, but there are times I still feel that way. And evidently, so do a lot of people.
These women met to form a small group for study about 2 years ago. They each describe it as a life changing experience. They enjoy reading books that don’t seem to be at the mainstream of church culture. A favorite topic has been the divine feminine and the spiritual life of women. They consider their interest DWL- dark, weird and lovely. They consider themselves to be dark, weird and lovely. yet, I was comfortable enough with them in this short hour and half to feel like I was bonding with them. I even danced their silly joy dance at the end. It was good.
I think that really these women are not alone in their feeling of not quite fitting in. I think, truth be told, that most of the people in church probably feel that to some degree. The question is, how do we (I) create a place for these women, and others, to be themselves with each other and God. How do we(I) create a place for them to feel rooted in the church? How do I help them, and myself even, to feel that this community of faith needs them and that they are vital to it? How can we be authentic together?
One of the things that has stuck with me the most from seminary has been a statement from a book by Kennon Callahan (Twelve Keys to an Effective Church). He says that people long to be “known by name and missed when absent.” If ever there was a truth of the human need to belong, this is it. We want to know that we matter. That things really are different and better because we, each of us individually, are part of something. The challenge is making it so that everyone feel these same things and makes an effort to engage each other in a manner so as to make them feel the same way. Affirmed, appreciated, loved, known, belonging.
At my church (www.vintage21.com), our pastor is fond of saying “The larger we become, the smaller we have to get.” The way we do that at Vintage is through homegroups. It’s more than a bible study… we do life together. My homegroup has been pivotal in feeling like I do have a place in the body of Christ. Anyways, it’s a group of 5-10 people who meet for a bible study once a week. That’s all vintage says about it… In my homegroup, we have dinner, and then our bible study, on Thursday night. We usually hang out on Friday nights and cook dinner together, and then go to a movie or play board games or something. We might have coffee or hang out one on one throughout the week. Those times allow us to really share life. And even when I feel like I don’t belong to the larger church body, I know I belong to my homegroup – which means that I DO belong to the church body.
all of that was a long way to say that I see what you’re saying. I know that thought well. the key to people feeling welcomed and rooted in the church is to become smaller and smaller so that everyone can find a place. and of course, that’s an incredible challenge.
anyways – best of luck.
I find it interesting that these women feel different from perhaps the “mainstream.” I would be most curious to know the general demographics of these women. Is it a case where they don’t feel a part of the church or are they struggling with who they are in general?
Anyway, great job on the blog and I look forward to hearing about life in the midwest!