I kept up my end of the deal today and stayed home with the kids so my husband could take the students to visit a Unitarian Universalist church. I would have liked to go to, but it was also nice to snuggle with my soon to be 5 year old for a while. I figure I’d better enjoy these times while I he’s still seeking them out. Pretty soon he’ll be a stinky school boy who doesn’t want his mom fussing over him. Well, he’ll probably still want me to fuss over him, just so long as nobody sees it!
This evening I got online to catch up on FB and see what everyone is thinking about life, which led to some ongoing bewilderment about aging. I plan on living to a ripe old age, so it’s not that I don’t want to get older. I’m just dragging my feet about leaving behind the young adult moniker. I was wistful about turning 30. It was good to leave my 20s behind; allegedly for a better, stronger, freer more mature but still young self. Newly married. Freshly minted MDiv. The whole “life begins when you start your career in earnest” thing. Turned out that the whole career thing was a bit harder to get started than I had expected. But then again, when you are geographically limited by your husband’s job, it’s not necessarily just going to fall into place. My 30s turned out to be one of the most tumultuous decades of my life with so many changes, ups and downs. I had 6 jobs in 3 years; 4 of them in the first. The longest I was employed anywhere was 4 years. I moved to two different states and 3 different homes. I had two children and one cranial surgery.
I kept trying to figure out how to make life really something; to make my career really something; to make me really something. I have a good husband who has stood by me through everything. I have two children who I love like crazy. I’ve travelled and done some interesting stuff, but I still feel like a mass of unfulfilled potential.
Back in my early 30s there was a lot of talk about Generation X. What would we amount to? Were we really a bunch of slackers who cared only about ourselves? Would we really make a contribution to society? While at the same time I noticed a lot more attention being showered on the generation behind us. It was like the rest of the world had just written off GenX. I began to think of mine as another “Lost Generation”, like our grandparents. And I began to notice how many of my peers were working hard, but also steeping back from the spotlight to do things that were important to ourselves, like spend time with our kids and doing things that gave us a sense of meaning. It hasn’t all been balanced though; take a look at what’s happened with kids sports and you’ll see a lot of my peers pushing for their own kids entitlement. Ugh!
There are still signs of GenX influence leaking into to the culture. You can see it in advertising, just listen to the music used for commercials that target people over 30. But we’re not getting much encouragement. To be honest, we’re a small generation sandwiched between two of the biggest generations in US history. We’ll have to work harder to make our mark.
But my truth is, that I still have a sense of not being ready for prime time. Sure, it’s my own insecurity and I’m master of my own destiny and that crap. But there’s also a sense of being held back, suppressed, even oppressed by the generation ahead of me; like the Boomers realized that they had become the establishment they had been fighting and decided it was a good place to be; so much so they don’t really want to give it up. And this generation behind us has been so trained and coddled to believe that they are entitled to it all that their parents are doing everything to make sure it happens whether the kids have done the work and earned the place or not. (I know, sweeping generalizations, but this is my rant!).
So I’m lamenting that I need a solid mentor. I need someone to encourage me and yet speak truthfully to me. And I’m feeling so spent, here at 40, that I’m just not sure how to pick it all up and find the passion that my life is lacking. I used to be passionate about a few things. When I graduated from seminary I would have told you I was passionate about youth ministry and sexuality education. But I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I experienced more of the world and had my eyes opened. I’ve had my illusions disillusioned. I’ve been shaken, stirred, confused and changed. I’m still the youngest person in most of my professional circles, or one of the youngest. I have interests that relate to older ways and values and thoughts that relate to younger insights and ways of being. I’m in a sandwich- a thin layer of something, meat? peanut butter? jam? lettuce? between two very thick slices of whole grain bread. And I just don’t know what to get excited about. Where do I turn? What will I do that will make a contribution of meaning? Who will I be important to, other than my family?
I’m no longer a young adult. I passed that at 35 and really left it when I turned 40. But what is there for this betweener stage? Shouldn’t I be ready to DO something? Or perhaps I should have already done it? Don’t studies show that the most significant contributions to the world are made by people who are in their late 20s or early 30s at the latest? I’m not done yet, I just haven’t figured out what exactly it is that I am supposed to do.