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Archive for February, 2009

Looking Lenten

It’s been months since I’ve posted. It’s not that haven’t had anything to say, more that I’ve been busy with other things. I’m doing well, as far as my health goes. And I’ll say more about that later.

Here it is, Mardi Gras, and I haven’t even planned anything for dinner. OK, that’s true most days. So how will I do Lent this year? I heard a snippet of liturgical chant the other day, and it just made me homesick for the Episcopal Church. Granted, now, that I am at home in the CC too, but it seems I’m beginning more and more to notice the two sided-ness of my life; both American and Australian; both native and immigrant, both city and rural; both “contemporary” and “traditional.” Where can all this be leading?

And what is God calling me to do? I’m exhausted and empty feeling yet have occasional bursts of creativity. I love the church and yet it pulls me away from my family and wears me down. It’s flexible and yet restrictive. What do I want to be when I grow up? Do other ministers struggle with staying in the way I do? Should I go secular for a while?

I remember my student days, when I was so in love with God and the church–when I just couldn’t wait to serve full time. And now. Now I still love the church, but I’m saddened and disappointed by her faults; and I still love God, but there’s less flirtation there.

I dream of sabbatical. I would have had one this year if we hadn’t moved. And it’s now ten years since my ordination. What can I show for it? I still ask multiple times a year, “God, what do you want me to do here? Are you sure I’m supposed to be in parish ministry?” What are your plans for me? What skills do I need to develop? How can I be faithful?

It’s almost Lent. Get out the knee pads.

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